New Years Resolutions for the
Rich and Famous
Shortstop Derek Jeter - Get a better marketing team. He
has a new cologne out - here's a tip - if you want to create a fragrance
for sports fans, be mindful of the uniform number. No matter HOW MUCH
you like Derek Jeter, nobody wants to smell like number TWO.
You know her from the American Pie films and as the prettier Courtney
Love . Here’s
your resolution - Pick a pair of boobs, and stick with ‘em. The
originals were nice, kind of like a small Italian sportscar. But
then you had to move up to the Hummer Limo version. Only problem
is they looked like a hummer that had been used for the demolition derby. How
do I know this? Tara Reid Resolution number two - best not to flash
your Golden Globes soon after surgery. You might turn on a few Nip/Tuck
or Bride of Frankenstein nerds that way, but the rest of us react like Edvard
Munch's scream painting.
of Courtney Love - Try to keep your eyes open and your legs
shut during any photo shoot. And when applying lipstick, stay within
the lines and off the teeth. That's hard to do when you're on
smack, but so is delivering a baby and you were able to multitask that. So
speaking of Babymakers, Britney Spears, keep yours covered. Of
course, since we saw the C Section scar, we know that it's a “babymaker”
in name only (detour) but that's not the point. Just because Lindsey and Paris do it, doesn't mean it
good for you. I mean, if one lemming jumped off the cliff while flashing
it's V-Jay, does that mean you have to as well?
Hideous imagery there, even for Animal Planet. Little tip for the New
Year to all scantily clad starlets - Paparazzo rarely airbrush, so keep the
kitty indoors, eh?
the lord though that MALE STARS don't have that problem. That would really be horrific. The
male celeb driving faux-paus is different. The resolution for Rip
Torn, Nick Nolte, and other aging drunken stars who plan to drive
home - Bring a hairbrush . We
don't need to see what you'd look like stumbling out of a bathroom on a three
day drunk. James Brown went to his grave, and that Frederick
Douglas on a bender mugshot was
tagged to every obituary. Listen guys, even Mel Gibson, in
the middle of a full on racist, misogynistic and a-holish rant had the presence
of mind to run a comb across his thinning scalp before his Smoking Gun
Headshot was taken. You see, that's what a STAR would do.
Kabala - Adoption - Crucifixion - Desperation... Resolution? Come
to terms with the fact that you look like a beef jerky sculpture
of Christopher Walken, and that the only real reason that Malawian man was
going to let you adopt his son in the first place is that he thought
it was going to be Angelina Jolie. Let’s face it. Every man,
woman and child on the planet wants to be adopted by Angelina Jolie. You
know what? You roll the dice with these celebrity adoptions. Come
on Angelina, come on Angelina - Crap! I got Rosie!!
of Rosie - her resolution? Pick on George Bush and
avoid stiff, bored, comb over challenged millionaires who are in bed with
Billy Bush. Seriously, if the Donald gets any more time on Access Hollywood,
they'll have to rename it Access Trump. Dubya's too busy to go after
Rosie personally -- that's what Karl Rove is for. But the Donald? He's
just aching, BEGGING for someone to take a shot at him so he can puff up
like a Hair Club Chicken Hawk and give his lawyers, publicists and Billy
Bush something to do while The Apprentice is in the off-season.
Still, Rosie vs The Donald would be the biggest pay per view Jello wrestling
Stop making predictions. Unless your prediction is that some old
televangelist is going to go on the air and make a gigantic ass out of
himself, IT IS NOT GOING TO COME TRUE.
I'll put this in a language you can understand, as your resolution comes
directly from that ancient wise man, Kenny Rogers. You've got to know when
to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to
run. I could have also gone with “Coward of the County,” or “Ruby” (Don't
Take Your Love to Town). It was a toss-up.
Swarzenegger - Stop
getting reelected. You keep this up and you'll NEVER make a new Terminator
Scratch that. I saw T3... On second thought - Keep
getting reelected. PLEASE.
Here’s a good resolution – DERMABRASION. I don’t care now many yuppie
Izod shirts of family man sweaters you wear to court, you’re never going to
come across as Bill Cosby with a giant TRIBAL TATOO covering the left side
of your face. Yeah, nothing says crazy like the visage of Good Ole Iron
Shatner and Jack
Nicholson – Resolve
to NEVER DIE. What would my comedy routine be like without either
of you? Live long and prosper to you both.