New Years Resolutions for the
   Rich and Famous

Yankees Shortstop Derek Jeter - Get a better marketing team.  He has a new cologne out - here's a tip - if you want to create a fragrance for sports fans, be mindful of the uniform number.  No matter HOW MUCH you like Derek Jeter, nobody wants to smell like number TWO.

Tara Reid - You know her from the American Pie films and as the prettier Courtney Love .  Here’s your resolution - Pick a pair of boobs, and stick with ‘em.  The originals were nice, kind of like a small Italian sportscar.  But then you had to move up to the Hummer Limo version.  Only problem is they looked like a hummer that had been used for the demolition derby.  How do I know this?  Tara Reid Resolution number two - best not to flash your Golden Globes soon after surgery.  You might turn on a few Nip/Tuck or Bride of Frankenstein nerds that way, but the rest of us react like Edvard Munch's scream painting.
 

Speaking of Courtney Love - Try to keep your eyes open and your legs shut during any photo shoot. And when applying lipstick, stay within the lines and off the teeth.  That's hard to do when you're on smack, but so is delivering a baby and you were able to multitask that.  So no problem.

And speaking of Babymakers, Britney Spears, keep yours covered.  Of course, since we saw the C Section scar, we know that it's a “babymaker” in name only (detour) but that's not the point.  Just because Lindsey and Paris do it, doesn't mean it good for you.  I mean, if one lemming jumped off the cliff while flashing it's V-Jay, does that mean you have to as well?  Hideous imagery there, even for Animal Planet.  Little tip for the New Year to all scantily clad starlets - Paparazzo rarely airbrush, so keep the kitty indoors, eh?

Thank the lord though that MALE STARS don't have that problem.  That would really be horrific.  The male celeb driving faux-paus is different. The resolution for Rip Torn, Nick Nolte, and other aging drunken stars who plan to drive home - Bring a hairbrush .  We don't need to see what you'd look like stumbling out of a bathroom on a three day drunk.  James Brown went to his grave, and that Frederick Douglas on a bender mugshot was tagged to every obituary.  Listen guys, even Mel Gibson, in the middle of a full on racist, misogynistic and a-holish rant had the presence of mind to run a comb across his thinning scalp before his Smoking Gun Headshot was taken.  You see, that's what a STAR would do.
     

Madonna  - Kabala - Adoption - Crucifixion - Desperation... Resolution?  Come to terms with the fact that you look like a beef jerky sculpture of Christopher Walken, and that the only real reason that Malawian man was going to let you adopt his son in the first place is that he thought it was going to be Angelina Jolie.  Let’s face it.  Every man, woman and child on the planet wants to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.  You know what?  You roll the dice with these celebrity adoptions.  Come on Angelina, come on Angelina - Crap!  I got Rosie!!
 

Speaking of Rosie - her resolution?  Pick on George Bush and avoid stiff, bored, comb over challenged millionaires who are in bed with Billy Bush.  Seriously, if the Donald gets any more time on Access Hollywood, they'll have to rename it Access Trump.  Dubya's too busy to go after Rosie personally -- that's what Karl Rove is for.  But the Donald?  He's just aching, BEGGING for someone to take a shot at him so he can puff up like a Hair Club Chicken Hawk and give his lawyers, publicists and Billy Bush something to do while The Apprentice is in the off-season.  Still, Rosie vs The Donald would be the biggest pay per view Jello wrestling event EVER.
 

Pat Robertson - Stop making predictions.  Unless your prediction is that some old televangelist is going to go on the air and make a gigantic ass out of himself, IT IS NOT GOING TO COME TRUE. 
 

George Bush - I'll put this in a language you can understand, as your resolution comes directly from that ancient wise man, Kenny Rogers. You've got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run.  I could have also gone with “Coward of the County,” or “Ruby” (Don't Take Your Love to Town).  It was a toss-up.
 

Arnold Swarzenegger - Stop getting reelected.  You keep this up and you'll NEVER make a new Terminator movie....  wait.  Scratch that.  I saw T3...  On second thought - Keep getting reelected.  PLEASE.

Mike Tyson – Here’s a good resolution – DERMABRASION.  I don’t care now many yuppie Izod shirts of family man sweaters you wear to court, you’re never going to come across as Bill Cosby with a giant TRIBAL TATOO covering the left side of your face.  Yeah, nothing says crazy like the visage of Good Ole Iron Mike.

William Shatner and Jack Nicholson – Resolve to NEVER DIE.  What would my comedy routine be like without either of you?  Live long and prosper to you both.